Called “The Cryptid of Countries”; Some Still Cling To Belief That Ireland Exists
By Jake Shafran
SMG Chief Operating Officer
Caleb Krebs is an average senior. He’s a little short, maybe, but he’s blonde. He’s got blue eyes. He looks vaguely United Kingdom-like, but one thing he doesn’t look is Irish.
“I’d be heartbroken if someone told me I looked Irish,” says Krebs. “The worst part is it happens every day.”
“People don’t understand that Ireland isn’t even a real place,” he continues. “There’s nothing to it, so people are calling me fake. What’s up with that?”Indeed, what’s up with that? The alleged country split from the United Kingdom in 1949 and became its own republic, but no one has ever actually been there. Not a single soul has been to Ireland and returned completely sane.
“My friend -- now, I won’t name names -- said he was going to Ireland to visit family over the summer. He came back--” Krebs chokes back tears. He clears his throat. “--He came back and asked me, ‘How she’s cuttin?’
“How’s she cuttin’ what?” he exclaims, emotional. “How’s she cuttin’ what?” Krebs claims that his friend hasn’t been the same since, always saying words that don’t make sense. “Kip” and “knackered” were his least favorites of the new vocabulary.
“There’s no way. It just doesn’t exist,” says Krebs. “They’re supposed to speak English in Ireland. How is that English?”
Ireland* Delaney, a senior theatre/media double major from New Brighton, struggled with her identity since learning of Ireland’s lack of existence.
“Since I was a kid, I was always told I’d been named after a country,” Delaney says. “Now what do I say? I’m named after a fraud?”
Delaney is not alone in this struggle. According to HowManyOfMe.com, around 1,500 people in the world are named Ireland, and eventually, they will have to come to grips with the fact of what they’re named after.
“I know people out there say they’re from Ireland. Or they’re Irish-American. To them, I say: Prove it,” says Krebs.
When asked about people named Ireland, Krebs was affronted. “Those named Ireland should immediately seek legal action. Pen names are a need. Never talk about it. I don’t want to hear it.”
Delaney, when confronted with Kreb’s solution, was in complete agreement. “From now on, I will be going by Canada Delaney. The Canadians have done nothing but help us and treat Indigenous People slightly badly, but who doesn’t have flaws?”
Krebs knows people will be suspicious of his beliefs. “It’s hard to believe something you’ve been taught wrong your entire life, but look closer. What has Ireland actually done? Can we prove the potato famine? The wars?” Krebs says. “It’s all about thinking critically. Those of us who know are on the right wave, you know.”Delaney is on the right wave, and she plans to get others on it with her. “I know I’ll be telling everyone about Ireland. Or really the not-Ireland. I plan on getting my school email changed as soon as possible.”
“For anyone out there with Irish blood, look deep in yourself. Do you really [have Irish blood]?” says Krebs, “Keep your third eye open.”
*Canada Delaney has given her express permission to use her legal name in the beginning of this article
**April Fool’s!