By Erin Brody, Managing Idiot
Students use various printers around Lincoln Park to print homework, a project, or even memes they may have found on the Internet. However, they don’t seem to realize their needs are running up quite the bill.
“The only logical solution we had was to begin charging the students to use the printer each time they use it,” says Dr. Lindsay Rodgers, Lincoln Park’s principal.
But how will we be making the payments when we use the printers?
“It’ll work a lot like student IDs work when buying lunches,” says Dr. Rodgers. “Starting April 31, we will cancel all arts blocks so students can complete a 27-page quiz that’ll warrant whether or not they’ll truly need the printers.”
Dr. Rodgers adds that staff members who constantly use printers will also be issued a printing pass.
“It’s a fair trade,” says Jimmy Johnson, a junior literary major from John Jimmyson. “Some teachers -- @ Supreme Leader LeRoy -- need to act as if the classroom is a democracy, not a dictatorship.”
Dan LeRoy, the dictator of the Writing and Publishing department, has this to say about the matter: “SDNVEHIDJKYABBADABBADOOAHJSKDFKWSEZEIY!”
The money raised from printing fees will be used for more than just paying down Lincoln Park’s debt, however. Some of it will go to fund a brand-new arts department!
“Even though we recently added a department, we just had to add another one when the idea struck,” says Dr. Rodgers. “We will be moving the Music department to the janitor’s closet so we can reconstruct the orchestra rooms to be headquarters, if you will, to our newest department: Childcare and the Arts!”
“I think it good idea,” says Alek Ivanov, a freshman music major from Павловск, Russia. “That way, school runs illegal daycare, and baby burp and sneeze and cry in practice room where no one can hear them. Good thing SIREN will run up rubles to pay for child bungee cord.”*
There is no news on who will be running the department, but some rumored classes include How To Be Patient 101, Please Don’t Neglect Your Kid, and finally, Surviving Peppa Pig.
“I’m so excited, like WAAH!” says Kindy With A “K” Krassenberg, a junior from Kranberry, through email. “I LOVE khildren! They’re just so kute when they just kry and kry and kry all. night. LONG! ANd I think this will just be a great overall experience that’ll help us kids know how to deal with kids. AND it’ll be so kool for me to actually be allowed around kids for the first time! Juvie just ain’t it, khief!”
*Editor’s note: please congratulate Alek Ivanov if you see him today because this interview wasn’t easy for him to do, being that English is a second language. Also, by “rubles,” he means American dollars, and by “child bungee cord,” he means a doorway baby jumper.
**April Fool’s!