FLASHBACK: NUCLEAR PLANT EXPLODES; LP PLAYS CLUB PENGUIN

By Ceresa Morsaint

The Beaver Valley Power Station Disaster was a nuclear accident that occurred a decade ago today, on Saturday, April 1, 2010. It is now considered the worst nuclear disaster in history, next to Chernobyl.

However, historians remain amazed that no one at Lincoln Park Performing Arts Charter School in Midland, which is less than five miles from the reactor, noticed the accident.

“I was in the LI Lab, and I looked out the window and saw a huge flash. Then I heard sirens and screams,” remembered Ovis Jenkins, then a sophomore.

“But Club Penguin had just been unblocked by the school server, and, like me, half the school was online playing,” Jenkins continued. “So I just kind of ignored what was happening.”

The accident started during a safety test on an RBMK-type nuclear reactor, which was commonly used throughout the USA. Three such tests had been conducted since 2000, but they had failed to provide a solution. On this fourth attempt, the test was unfortunately delayed by 10 hours, so an unprepared operating shift was on duty. 

Upon test completion, the operators triggered a reactor shutdown, but a combination of unstable conditions and reactor design flaws caused an uncontrolled nuclear chain reaction instead. A large amount of energy was suddenly released, vaporizing superheated cooling water and rupturing the reactor core in a highly destructive steam explosion. 

This was immediately followed by an open-air reactor core fire that released considerable airborne radioactive contamination onto parts of Western PA. The fire gradually released about the same amount of contamination as the initial explosion. As a result of rising ambient radiation levels off-site, a 10-kilometer (6.2 mi) radius exclusion zone was created 36 hours after the accident. About 49,000 people were evacuated from the area, primarily from Midland and Beaver. 

However, no one from Lincoln Park was evacuated, a fact that now astonishes historians.

“It’s now commonly referred to as the ‘Club Penguin Effect’,” said local historian Betty Barr. “Somehow, that darn game just captivated the whole school.

A decade ago, Club Penguin helped Lincoln Park students forget — actually, ignore — a nearby nuclear explosion.

A decade ago, Club Penguin helped Lincoln Park students forget — actually, ignore — a nearby nuclear explosion.

“Legend has it that the administrators at the time were playing too,” Barr said. However, by press time, none of the current administrative staff had returned calls seeking comment.

Most students at the time remained unaware of this traumatic event. Jenkins said he only learned about it in a college Environmental Studies class years later.

“I guess it wasn’t so good, being around all that radiation,” he admitted, scratching his head with his third arm. 

“But Club Penguin! Man, I just miss that game so much.”

** April Fool’s!

LINCOLN PARK IMPLEMENTS NEW PRINTER FEE FOR NEW DEPARTMENT

By Erin Brody, Managing Idiot

Students use various printers around Lincoln Park to print homework, a project, or even memes they may have found on the Internet. However, they don’t seem to realize their needs are running up quite the bill.

“The only logical solution we had was to begin charging the students to use the printer each time they use it,” says Dr. Lindsay Rodgers, Lincoln Park’s principal.

But how will we be making the payments when we use the printers?

“It’ll work a lot like student IDs work when buying lunches,” says Dr. Rodgers. “Starting April 31, we will cancel all arts blocks so students can complete a 27-page quiz that’ll warrant whether or not they’ll truly need the printers.”

Dr. Rodgers adds that staff members who constantly use printers will also be issued a printing pass.

“It’s a fair trade,” says Jimmy Johnson, a junior literary major from John Jimmyson. “Some teachers -- @ Supreme Leader LeRoy -- need to act as if the classroom is a democracy, not a dictatorship.”

Dan LeRoy, the dictator of the Writing and Publishing department, has this to say about the matter: “SDNVEHIDJKYABBADABBADOOAHJSKDFKWSEZEIY!”

The money raised from printing fees will be used for more than just paying down Lincoln Park’s debt, however. Some of it will go to fund a brand-new arts department!

“Even though we recently added a department, we just had to add another one when the idea struck,” says Dr. Rodgers. “We will be moving the Music department to the janitor’s closet so we can reconstruct the orchestra rooms to be headquarters, if you will, to our newest department: Childcare and the Arts!”

“I think it good idea,” says Alek Ivanov, a freshman music major from Павловск, Russia. “That way, school runs illegal daycare, and baby burp and sneeze and cry in practice room where no one can hear them. Good thing SIREN will run up rubles to pay for child bungee cord.”*

There is no news on who will be running the department, but some rumored classes include How To Be Patient 101, Please Don’t Neglect Your Kid, and finally, Surviving Peppa Pig.

“I’m so excited, like WAAH!” says Kindy With A “K” Krassenberg, a junior from Kranberry, through email. “I LOVE khildren! They’re just so kute when they just kry and kry and kry all. night. LONG! ANd I think this will just be a great overall experience that’ll help us kids know how to deal with kids. AND it’ll be so kool for me to actually be allowed around kids for the first time! Juvie just ain’t it, khief!” 

*Editor’s note: please congratulate Alek Ivanov if you see him today because this interview wasn’t easy for him to do, being that English is a second language. Also, by “rubles,” he means American dollars, and by “child bungee cord,” he means a doorway baby jumper.

**April Fool’s!

BARTLETT'S BAKES: ALL-NATURAL VEGAN PASTRY!

April is one of the most beautiful months. The snow is starting to melt, the flowers are beginning to grow, it’s Earth Day, etc.

Because of all that natural beauty, we’re going to be making an all natural vegan pastry! 

What You Need:

  • A large chunk of ice (mine is from the backyard, but store bought is fine)

  • Leafy greens (make sure they give that satisfying cRuNcH)

  • Sticks 

  • Dirt

  • A little bug that crawls around on the table, but doesn’t go in the dessert

What to do:

  1. Make sure every ingredient has dirt on it 

  2. Split your large chunk of ice into a smaller chunk

  3. Pick out the little bug from the grass

  4. Don’t kill the bug! Let him outside.

  5. Microwave the leaves for about 1 minute 

  6. Place a smooth layer of crunchy leaves over the ice

  7. Bake for 7 minutes at 350 degrees

  8. Sprinkle grass over top

  9. Serve (on your finest China) with two sticks

And there you have it! A sweet treat with all natural and vegan ingredients. :) Happy Baking!

**April Fool’s!

JAKE'S TAKES: THE TORAH

Eating Your Words Never Tasted So Good…

by: jake shafran

chief operating officer

the taste the parchment had between my teeth was impeccable. i ate page after page of the scroll, and every moment was joyous and without reserve. i tore column from column, letter from letter, in my tasting of the Torah.

not many people take “eating your words” literally, but i wanted to try it. it was truly a remarkable experience that i must recommend to anyone interested in learning about Judaism. as someone who grew up Jewish, i’m no stranger to the Torah. i held its scrolls when i turned thirteen. i read from it every friday, and yet, i had never tasted it.

i smelled it frequently, sneaking the thirty-pound, four-foot scroll past the rabbi and night janitor to smell it on saturdays. it was my nightly ritual to inhale the sweet scent of old parchment written by some dude huddled in a corner for ten years. my sunday school teacher said it sometimes takes that long for a Torah to be finished, and i ruined it in one sitting. what can i say? i’m wild like that.

it became a completely healthy, completely realistic obsession, smelling the Torah. who could judge me? not the rabbi, who spent hours pouring over its words to learn their meaning. not the teachers, who spent hours pouring over its words to make a curriculum. not my parents, who encouraged me to learn more about the Torah at every turn. they just didn’t say how, so i took that message to heart.

when i decided to eat the Torah, i knew it would be a pricy investment. used miniature Torahs on eBay cost a whopping $70.00, and that’s one tenth of the size i wanted. the full experience was paramount, so i saved my money and piled together $28,000 to purchase the authentic Kosher Torah scroll off of Amazon.

shipping was ridiculous. it took four months, and it said it was Prime shipping. honestly, if i were to do this again (which i am), i would totally buy my products from a Jewish goods store somewhere in downtown pittsburgh. i’d even invest my time to drive up to new york city. sometimes, shopping online isn’t the answer. still, i did it, so you don’t have to.

i can’t stress enough how much you should do this. i’m near begging you to spend a semester worth of harvard’s tuition and eat my holy book. it would make you such a great person, and everyone will love you. the fame you will reach will be equal to mine, absolutely none. you will be considered a monster.

jake’s grade: a+++.

p.s. i’m being kidnapped and forced to write movie reviews. save me.

**April Fool’s!

EDITORIAL: ALL THE PRESIDENTS WE COULD HAVE HAD

THE BEST POTENTIAL PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES OF ALL TIME


It seems like the same rich, white guys run for president every four years, doesn’t it? And every four years, we have the commercials, the campaigns, the yard signs. I don’t know about you, but I’m getting pretty tired of fighting over the redness, blueness, donkey-ness and elephant-ness of this country when we could be at our maximum potential. 

Law degrees? Political science degrees? Experience? Nah. None of those things seem all that important when the following people could maybe, possibly, be the leader of our country:

Kanye West

I’m sure most of us heard about “Kanye, 2020.” Kanye West is many things: a musician, a fashion designer, a husband, but could being the President of the United States of America be one of them? In 2016, he pretty famously pledged to run in the upcoming 2020 election. Now that it’s actually 2020, he’s pushed his run to 2024. Practically everything about Kanye West is questionable by the public, ranging from his fashion sense, his music and the things he says on a daily basis… so, what would this country look like if he was the face of this nation? More importantly, what would this country look like if Kim Kardashian was the first lady? All I can say is, if Kanye West is our president, we will have a leader that “hates politics” and is “not a politician at all,” in the words of Ye himself.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson

Just imagine The Rock and all his muscles sitting in the oval office. A lot of people speculated that he would run for president in the 2020 election, but that obviously didn’t happen. However, Johnson hasn’t completely given up on the idea. He says he just lacks experience. But, like I stated previously, it’s not really experience that we’re looking for, right? I mean, Johnson’s “save-the-world” attitude wouldn’t be put to waste. 

Cardi B

Okay, well, she didn’t say she was going to run for president, but in a tweet she did say, “I do feel like if I go back to school and focus up I can be apart of Congress. I deada** have sooo much ideas that make sense. I just need a couple years of school and I can shake the table.” With so “much ideas” that make sense and just a few years of school, Cardi B will be approving this message in her campaign to become a senator. I think the only question is, will our taxes go towards her manicures?

Katy Perry

Not totally sure how to feel about Katy Perry as a president. Rumors flew about her potential candidacy after she posted a particular Instagram post (what else?), but this option brings a lot of questions: is the White House not colorful enough? When was the last time I heard a Katy Perry song? If she’s barely qualified to be an American Idol judge, is she qualified enough to be President? Is being a judge on American Idol equivalent to being President of the United States? I think the answer might be yes. 

Donald Trump

Oh, wait.

**April Fool’s! (Maybe.)